Fourteen weeks after conception, and my precious baby was perfectly formed. Minuscule hands and feet, a face the size of a man's thumb print. A bittersweet miracle. I held him in the palm of my hand and wept for the years I would never have with this child. We named him Elijah because he was caught up early to be with the Lord.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
~Psalm 139:13
How people can say that an unborn child is anything less than a person, is beyond my imagination. Elijah, and his brother after him, were perfectly formed. God had woven them together in my womb, and had they been given the time, they would have been able to live apart from me. They would have run and played with their older brothers and sisters and added to our joy. But instead, they're safe in the arms of Jesus.
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
and the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
~Psalm 139:12
A second miscarriage is not necessarily easier than the first one, it just means that you have an idea of how things will go, but only an idea. After my first one, I needed time to heal physically, but the second one sent me into a spiritual cave. God, in His mercy and grace, allowed me a few moments of holding those babies. They are imprinted on my heart, cherished. They also pointed me to the Creator and helped me see that my darkness was not dark to Him--the Holy One, my God and my Father. He shined into my darkness, and led me out of the cave one step at a time. I learned that grief without blackness is bearable, and the Light of God dispelled the blackness, helping me bear the grief. What a great and mighty God!
I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
~Psalm 139:14
Read more about Elijah here.
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"I learned that grief without blackness is bearable, and the Light of God dispelled the blackness, helping me bear the grief."
ReplyDeleteWow, that is such an apt description. We don't go whistling through our trials untouched by pain (nor should we pretend to). We DO grieve, but God makes us able to bear it by sharing Himself with us.
Good reminder!
Oh, Peej... only we who have gone through this can truly understand the empty feeling of not holding your baby and watching him grow up... but having the peace that God made him and loves him too.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this.
Vonnie
I can't imagine how hard it was to lose two of your little babies, Peej. You shared beautifully. I can see them in Heaven playing with Jesus -- most definitely!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it incredible that when we need to escape into those "spiritual caves" He remains with us - arms open wide. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeletePatty,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I needed to hear this today.
What a testimony your story is...
Huggles,
Kristen
Your faith and grace and loyalty to the Lord is so precious and touching, Peej. Sending you hugs today.
ReplyDeleteYou made me cry, sweetie. What an amazing testimony (and I understand now why you didn't want to write it). Sending you jewely huggles. Wow.
ReplyDeleteWow - this made me tear up! Thank you for sharing this! I am blessed today by your openness in sharing the strength God has given you.
ReplyDelete