Missing My Other Boys

March and May are bittersweet months for me, especially March. And this year March snuck up on me. I didn't realize all that was going on inside me until I saw the daffodils. And then it all came rushing back. Powerful and overwhelming. I tried to forget it, gloss over it, and rebury it. But I can't. I know my Savior will make something beautiful from these shards.

You see, I love Spring—everything about it, but as the daffodils bloom I'm reminded of two precious little ones I have waiting for me. They're safe in Jesus' arms.

Here's my journal entry from 10 years ago in March:

“Elijah is his own special miracle.

Just 14 weeks after conception and Elijah was so perfectly formed. I was able to count his little fingers and his tiny toes as I held him ever so gently in my hand. With his eyes beginning to open and his mouth open there was no mistaking his identity--he was my son. So longed for. It didn't matter that he was Baby #5 for us—we knew the joy children bring with them and we couldn't wait to get to know this special baby, with the unique personality God had given him. Each baby is unspeakably special and so cherished.

Elijah was a gift from God...but for some reason God sent him over five months early and as I held this precious child in my hand, I sat in awe of God... His little ribs and plump belly reminded me of all I would miss in the coming months and years...

We only had Elijah with us for 14 weeks, and then, as even now, we treasured him. His absence is felt deep within us, and we know there will always be one more than is with us here. Elijah is his own special miracle. He is forever imprinted on our hearts.”

When I lost Elijah, it took me several weeks to recover physically. Emotionally I healed much faster. Seeing him as the miracle I did (and still do) soothed the hurt and ache. The following year, almost 14 months to the day, we miscarried another little one, this one at 18 weeks. That time around, I bounced back physically without any trouble, but emotionally I took a heavy hit. How thankful I am that I reached for my Bible during those days! This is what I wrote in May, 2000:

“...'Safe in the arms of Jesus' has taken on a whole new meaning for me and resting in God's sovereignty has kept me securely anchored. Reading God's Word has truly been a balm to my ragged spirit. In the midst of my grief my Bible reading brought me to Habakkuk and I found my spirit crying out with him, 'Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice int the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places.' (Hab. 3:18-19).

Through the blackness of my grief I saw the candlelight of God shining through. As I turned my focus from my loss to God's light the blackness began to recede. Yes, there's still grief, but grief without blackness is bearable. I long for my two boys who are safe in the arms of Jesus and I weep for them, but God's light and comfort are here, surrounding me. As a result I was able to sing through my tears 'My God how great Thou art!' and mean it with every fiber of my being! Worshiping God has made my feet sure and steady as I climb this rocky path, and this rocky path is bringing me into the Sonshine.

'...Then sings my soul, my Savior, God to Thee,
How great Thou art—HOW GREAT THOU ART!'”

Just so you know, 8 months later we learned I was pregnant again and when fear threatened to choke me I had a verse to cling to—one I had found immediately after singing 'How Great Thou Art' when I was fighting tears that first Sunday back at church. It was Isaiah 41:13 “For you are the LORD my God who has declared, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'” Throughout my 36 week pregnancy I clung to that verse, knowing that even if we lost that baby too, He would help us through the grief. But there was only joy when Isaac was born 4 weeks early. And he's still a joy—just as our four other children here are.

One of my Faithwriter friends, Peter Stone, wrote a story that is simply wonderful. It was hard for me to read through my tears, but it was so worth it. There's healing in his story. ~ This Is Not The End ~ Thank you, Peter, for posting that story. The timing was from God.

He will cover you with His pinions,
and under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.
~Psalm 91:4

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Web of Love

Welcome to Fiction Friday! I'm so glad you could join us! We've had a quick change of plans, and Mr. Linky is here today. We hope you enjoy!!
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Web of Love
Kim wished the floor would open up and swallow her. She settled into the pew and studiously opened the bulletin, hoping no one would notice her. Jeff had been called to work as they were walking out the door to church, leaving her to face this first Sunday back on her own.

The hand on her shoulder made her jump. Taking a deep breath she pasted on a smile and looked up, dreading the pity and platitudes most people offered. What she found was Kyle's smile.

“Where's Jeff?”

“Some emergency at work came up just as we were walking out the door.”

Becky, Kyle's wife, squeezed past him and reached out with a hug for Kim. “I'm so glad you still came.” She sat down beside Kim just as Deb joined them.

“Kim! I wondered if you'd make it today.” After another hug Kim took a shaky breath and a swipe at her eyes. Becky and Deb caught each other's eye. “Virginia's knee is doing better, so she's teaching Sunday school this morning. It'll be so good to have her back—I've really missed her,” Deb said.

Becky followed Deb's lead. “She must have been able to get that steroid shot she was hoping for. She's been climbing the walls since she fell.”

Kim smiled thankfully at her friends; she recognized what they were doing. “She might have been cooped up at home, but she still managed to stay involved. She called me once or twice a day last week. She's an incredible lady, that's for sure.”

Someone sat down behind them and leaned forward to give Kim a squeeze. It was another one of her Sunday school classmates. “Did you just say that Virginia's back this week? That's wonderful! We'll all be back together again--it just isn't the same when some of us are gone.”

“I'm here! Did I miss something?” Two more couples sat down in the pew in front of Kim, and the ladies reached back to squeeze Kim's hand. She was completely surrounded by her Sunday school class members and their husbands.

Lord, I feel like You wrapped me in a web of love. These sisters You've given me are so precious. Thank you. I think I might be able to face the rest of the world now.

Mrs. Miller leaned over Kyle and Becky. “Kim, dear, I was so sorry to hear about the baby. There will be other babies...”

“Oh, Mrs. Miller, were those your pickles at the fellowship last month? They were simply delicious. Do you share your recipe or is it a family secret?” Becky stood up, blocking Kim's view of Mrs. Miller.

Deb leaned against Kim's shoulder and whispered, “You just keep smiling and let us handle the rest for a while.”
******

Losing a baby is never easy and well-meaning people can say things that cause a lot hurt, even though there is truth in what they're saying. Thank God for the web of love He wraps around us. Sometimes it's through friends or family members, and sometimes it's through a special verse that speaks directly to our heart at that moment in time. However He works, He is there, loving us and holding us tight. Thank God for His love!

And while I'm thinking about it, check out the new At the Well! February 2nd is the kick-off and there's door prizes you do not want to miss! (oh, and did I mention that I get to be part of this great site? I'm so excited!)

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Holding Elijah

For Monday Manna, Kristen gave us Psalm 139 and let us chose the verse to write about...one verse led to another, which led to another—all in Psalm 139. Join us at Exemplify for links to more thoughts on this wonderful Psalm.
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Fourteen weeks after conception, and my precious baby was perfectly formed. Minuscule hands and feet, a face the size of a man's thumb print. A bittersweet miracle. I held him in the palm of my hand and wept for the years I would never have with this child. We named him Elijah because he was caught up early to be with the Lord.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
~Psalm 139:13

How people can say that an unborn child is anything less than a person, is beyond my imagination. Elijah, and his brother after him, were perfectly formed. God had woven them together in my womb, and had they been given the time, they would have been able to live apart from me. They would have run and played with their older brothers and sisters and added to our joy. But instead, they're safe in the arms of Jesus.

Even the darkness is not dark to You,
and the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
~Psalm 139:12

A second miscarriage is not necessarily easier than the first one, it just means that you have an idea of how things will go, but only an idea. After my first one, I needed time to heal physically, but the second one sent me into a spiritual cave. God, in His mercy and grace, allowed me a few moments of holding those babies. They are imprinted on my heart, cherished. They also pointed me to the Creator and helped me see that my darkness was not dark to Him--the Holy One, my God and my Father. He shined into my darkness, and led me out of the cave one step at a time. I learned that grief without blackness is bearable, and the Light of God dispelled the blackness, helping me bear the grief. What a great and mighty God!

I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
~Psalm 139:14

Read more about Elijah here.

Don't forget:

Blog giveaway on November 12th!
Missions Matter!

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Thy Face I Shall Seek

As I look back at my life, I see times when I've been completely floundering. I don't know which way to turn, or even where to look, and quite often the words of Psalm 27:8 rise like a beacon from the mist.

When Thou didst say, “Seek My face,”
my heart said to Thee, “Thy face, O Lord, I shall seek.”

In the midst of my confusion, hurt, loss or even while in the realm of overwhelmed, God draws me close through those words. As I deliberately turn my face toward Him, and look steadfastly at Him, He meets me where I'm at and He meets my needs. He is always faithful.

Between our two youngest sons, we lost two babies, and the second miscarriage rocked my world like only a few other things have in my life. My faith in God did not waver but my faith in myself was gone. I had four little children that needed me and crawling into a hole wasn't an option. During those hard days I remember making frequent trips to my room, and spending moments with my Bible. I let my fingers roam the pages, rediscovering gems I had found and underlined through the years and I asked God, begged God, to help me through the dark. The more I deliberately turned my face to Him the more peace and healing trickled into my life.

When decisions and changes are looming, I hear Him whisper those words to me and I'm so glad David responded as he did, guiding me to also seek the Lord's face. I've found that even when the wind is blowing and the storm is raging, or when the fog bank has settled around me, I can turn to Him and He will lead me in the path He has for me. As long as I seek His face.

Father, help me to always deliberately seek Your face. In the good times as well as the bad. Thank You for always being there—for being my Rock, my refuge and my fortress—My God, in whom I trust.

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My Other Boys

March and May are bittersweet months for me. I love Spring—everything about it, but as the daffodils bloom I'm reminded of two precious little ones I have waiting for me. They're safe in Jesus' arms. Here's my journal entry from 9 years ago in March:

“Elijah is his own special miracle. Just 14 weeks after conception and Elijah was so perfectly formed. I was able to count his little fingers and his tiny toes as I held him ever so gently in my hand. With his eyes beginning to open and his mouth open there was no mistaking his identity--he was my son. So longed for. It didn't matter that he was Baby #5 for us—we knew the joy children bring with them and we couldn't wait to get to know this special baby, with the unique personality God had given him. Each baby is unspeakably special and so cherished.

Elijah was a gift from God...but for some reason God sent him over five months early and as I held this precious child in my hand, I sat in awe of God. Just 14 weeks and he was so perfectly formed. His little ribs and plump belly reminded me of all I would miss in the coming months and years...

We only had Elijah with us for 14 weeks, and then, as even now, we treasured him. His absence is felt deep within us, and we know there will always be one more than is with us here. Elijah is his own special miracle. He is forever imprinted on our hearts.”

The following year, almost 14 months to the day, we miscarried another little one, this one at 18 weeks. This is what I wrote in May, 2000:

“...'Safe in the arms of Jesus' has taken on a whole new meaning for me and resting in God's sovereignty has kept me securely anchored. Reading God's Word has truly been a balm to my ragged spirit. In the midst of my grief my Bible reading brought me to Habakkuk and I found my spirit crying out with him, 'Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice int the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places.' (Hab. 3:18-19).

Through the blackness of my grief I saw the candlelight of God shining through. As I turned my focus from my loss to God's light the blackness began to recede. Yes, there's still grief, but grief without blackness is bearable. I long for my two boys who are safe in the arms of Jesus and I weep for them, but God's light and comfort are here, surrounding me. As a result I was able to sing through my tears 'My God how great Thou art!!' and mean it with every fiber of my being! Worshiping God has made my feet sure and steady as I climb this rocky path, and this rocky path is bringing me into the Sonshine.

'...Then sings my soul, my Savior, God to Thee,
How great Thou art—HOW GREAT THOU ART!!'”

Just so you know, 8 months later we learned I was pregnant again and when fear threatened to choke me I had a verse to cling to—one I had found right after singing 'How Great Thou Art' that first Sunday back at church. It was Isaiah 41:13 “For you are the LORD my God who has declared, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'” Throughout my 36 week pregnancy I clung to that verse, knowing that even if we lost that baby too, He would help us through the grief. But there was only joy when Isaac was born 4 weeks early. And he's still a joy—just as our four other children here are.

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